Hardy 3

‘Hardy! Hardy!! Hardy!!!’ my mom yelled at the top of her voice. From the look of things she has just found a fresh reason to kill me and from the sound of her yelling she must be on the top floor and must either be in my room or near it. I am finished.

Under the car where I was hiding I heard an animal meowing. Not now Hardy your mind is trying to play a trick on you. I did my best to ignore the sound but still it keeps occurring and re-occurring like a nightmare you won’t forget.

I rolled to the left to face the direction where the wind was blowing from and I was sweating like a thief who is been chased by a lynched mob. The cat I saw scared me and made me jump out from under the car at a go. It meowed again and sent me further away from the BMW. There are things about cats and the way they behave. First, their always shinning eyes that can see well at night makes them the witch preferred pets, those eyes speak to you, warn you and make you dream long dreams. Also their fur and their looks teaches much of witchcraft to amateur. They always look so neat and why won’t they the witches themselves clean them up.

There is something about this particular cat that scared hell out of me. Normally my mom had always had cats as her pets even before I was born, I don’t like them at all, they scare me each time I see them and I have learnt to live with them by keeping a safe distance away from them. The cats are always in the cat room on the second floor and they are locked up there by my mom because of her fears I would do something terrible to them. How this cat got out I would never know?

This particular cat was black all through as if it had come to the earth to redefine the real meaning and colour of black. My mom has never brought a black cat every before home, she always brings white cats not even the brown ones. How this cat got here I don’t know but I would give it a wild chase to show it who is boss over this habitat.

In Biology under Ecological Succession I learnt how competition aids succession. I had to take out this cat or lose grounds to it which would only reduce my humanitarian rights further. I bent down and took a look at the cat, the cat was relaxed with its sparkling white eyes fixed on mine as if to say ‘Bring it on.’ I frowned at it but it didn’t even blink its eyes, I had to win this one.

I fixed my eyes on it hoping it would blink and run away but it didn’t move one bit, it just kept looking at me. Ten minutes passed and I finally blinked. The cat made a noise as if to show it was laughing at me for my folly. I got up and threw the nearest object I could find which was a spanner that just missed the cat narrowly and hit a kit of tools that came crashing down. The resultant noise was enough to scare the cat and make it flee away from the garage but it was also loud enough for my mom to come down and spot my location easily

As I left the garage the Gardner and the driver asked if anything was wrong and I told them nothing was wrong. They both looked at me not convinced of my stance, well assured that I had done one of my regular schemes on one of the cars. They went into the garage to check for themselves. I looked at those fools and smiled. When I do my tricks there is no trace leading to me only you would know immediately in your head it is me again. Not even the best detectives and even the Sherlock’s of this world could pick me out with a single trace of evidence. I was that good and even better.

I walked back to the mansion ready to face whatever the witch had in store for me. My clothes were now stained with the mixture of dust and engine oil even the best of detergents would not get them off even after soaking it for days. My mom temper would get more aggravated when she sees it is her Christmas gift to me I had just soiled.

Hilda came out of nowhere and nearly screamed when she saw me. I had to cover her mouth to muffle her screams so my mom would not come running down with the pestle in one hand and the horse whip in the other. Hilda managed to push me away and kept a good distance away from me.

‘Look at you dumb fool. See how dirty you look like. You went to play ball again with those good for nothing street boys after dad and mom have warned you to stop. Well for your information today is the day you would be lynched.’ She said obviously not smiling.

I thought about what she said for a while. I wished I had gone to play ball with my mates. I looked at her, she was now sitting at the front door with the earphone in her ear and tab in both hands. She was having fun and living her life.

I asked ‘What’s the time?’ She heard me well I was so sure of it but she didn’t budge an inch. ‘What’s the time Hilda?’ I asked again. This time she looked in my directions for three seconds and turned away. I walked past her nearly stepping on her toes, I wish I had done that and shattered her tab on the ground. It would make me happy even if she would get a brand new one tomorrow.

I entered into the mansion, passed the small living room where unpopular guests are received and entered the guest living room proper where important guests are received. The guest living room is a little different from the small living room. Here is where the only picture of the extended family including grand-mom and grand-dad was. My dad is the only child of his parents and so is my mom so there is no uncle, aunt or cousin in our family.

Another major difference is the items and furniture in the guest living room is more expensive than the small living room. The Badminton Cabinet is the hallmark of the expenses valued at $36.7 million. The paintings in this room consists of replica of great artist grand works like Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, The Last Supper and the Virgin of Rocks, Vincent van Gogh The Starry Night and Starry Night over the Rhone, Raphael’s The Cherubim Putti Angels of The Sistine Madonna and School of Athens and many more paintings of Botelli, Van Eyck, Bosch, Brugel and many more I can’t name them all. The ottoman and chairs I don’t know how much they cost but from their luxurious feel and texture, they cost a fortune.

I made it to the living room safe and sound. There is another staircase at the end of the living room just besides the bar where my dad spends most of the time with his friends drinking and playing chess. My dad is too busy working in France and going on business trips we only see during family vacation trips and his August leave.

So far my mom hasn’t painted me that bad as I had expected to my dad because he has kept on buying me gifts and more gifts. I know he does this to justify his long absence from home but with all the things my mom tells me that I am, if I was my dad and heard such things from my wife concerning my son I would punish him immediately.

My dad treats me like a prince, my mom she treats me like I was some piece of rag, worthless except to clean up mess. I know I would be the heir of a large empire and have thousands of people working under me. Have all the money I want, get the kind of cars I want, build houses and marry who so ever I want. I would only enjoy all this when the witch is either out of my life or delivered from witchcraft by the pope himself.

I wanted to head for the stairs but that would not profit me at all, my mom would give me a scarce I would only end up not moving from the spot or running till I get to the highway. I sat down on the ottoman to rest my head for once. Today I had it planned like never before. Today I was supposed to attend a nearby party at 12 with Zaynab then at 5 I would drop her back at home and head for FESTAC for a night party with my friends.

Already I had planned to lie I went to a vigil in FESTAC organised by the Student Protestant Fellowship President Chuka Nnadozie. I had pleaded with him already to cover up for me and it was a done deal but now the future of that deal is threatened by the witch herself.

Hilda came and sat down beside me, she had come to watch my final humiliation. ‘What are you doing here? You want to watch the witch kill me. Please I don’t want to see you, I can’t stomach two witches at once.’ I said angrily.

‘Relax young man, you just called the two women in this house witches. If I tell mom you called her a witch I would also be preparing to dig your grave. I just came to watch the action. It’s really difficult trying to get this quality of domestic violence in the movies.’ She laughed so extensively I wished her ribs would crack and break.

I gave her an unfriendly stare. The kind of stare that says get out or you are next. I had no doubt after this adventure is over I would give her my own perception of adventure. I would hit her so hard she won’t be able to face me ever again. If the stare was frightening, she didn’t show it because she continued laughing hysterically like a hyena.

She said ‘Hardy I haven’t had so much fun before in my lifetime. Even though this is a norm for me to watch editions like this on a daily basis there is something special about this edition. Something about a rebellious teenager trying to triumph over a stumbling block.’ She kept her eyes fixed on my mine, if she was interested in a staring contest she would be disappointed because I moved my eyes away from hers each time there was a sign of an impending contact.

She was really enjoying this. She kept on laughing and laughing. What was so funny I don’t know but clearly I’m the object of ridicule? I remember when both of us used to enjoy each other company. We talked a lot and shared many things in common and even the same ideologies. We were best of friends and to many compatible siblings. That was in our primary school years. Though we still remain friends from a distance only united my fights, it is clear we had lost our close bond.

There was an incident way back when I was in Primary 3, a bully by name Jeff wanted Hilda to clean his desk for him. Hilda of course stubborn as a mull refused and poured him chalk powder, it was so funny the whole class forgot about the threat of Jeff and laughed at him. This made Jeff so angry he had to shout the class silent.

Of course the class kept quiet, he moved to face Hilda who was either possessed by fear or had a better plan in mind. I watched all that was happening from my seat which was near Hilda’s. I made a catapult from rubber and hit him with a huge chunk of paper on his neck. As I hit him I was so afraid he would ask the class and come after me like he did to my best friend Jerome who dared touched his desk but what he did surprised the whole class.

As the catapult touched his head, he stopped threatening Hilda and looked at my direction. I was so filled with fear I knew the moment he stepped closer to me I would pee on my uniform. He looked at me sternly, his eyes forming red veins on his cornea. Next tears began to drop which was a surprise to us. If we were surprised by this we were even more surprised by what next he did.

Booting like a 3^rd generation computer, he slowly touched the back of his neck and felt the burning sensational pain. He looked in my direction once again and I felt I would pee that moment. Tears flowed more freely. He now touched it again and began to scream in agony you would think I was the one who had just bullied a bully. His screams were so abnormal we couldn’t even laugh or make fun of him, the shock was just took much for us to comprehend.

What followed next was he ran towards the door but before leaving, he cried further more like a big baby I had never heard cry before. He said amidst tears ‘I will tell my daddy for you. He will come and beat you for me.’

Since that day I became an unsung hero and began to express my talents as a trickster more openly. For the next three weeks Bully Jeff gave me space and respect. That was his undoing as I grew in confidence as a trickster. I placed chewing gums on his chair so each time he sits he gets chewing gums on his clothes. I placed cockroaches in his desk and was surprised to see him scream to the Headmaster’s office. As if that was not enough I left him a letter dipped in rodent’s blood warning him to transfer or face more tricks.

He knew I was the one doing it, reported me to the Head master who called my mom to warn me to stop but when confronted on the issue I denied even after my mom had beaten the living hell out of me on assembly ground I still didn’t budge.

I changed tactics like a pro and formed a gang with two other tricksters Vincent and Elochukwu. I sent them to do all the dirty work while I remained in the background as the co-ordinator. As soon as the term ended bully Jeff had transferred to another school. This should had made us stop but it didn’t, the gang grew in popularity as we were called the ‘Famous 3’.

‘Hilda do you remember when we were in primary school, we used to be best of friends until year 3.’ I said trying to ignite old memories.

‘I remember that quite clearly Hardy. We used to be good friends before you started this your expensive tricks. I remembered how you got so popular it got into your head and transformed you. You became the opposite of the Hardy I knew. I have despised you and your fellow friends since.’ She said still smiling.

‘I have three wishes I want done before I die here today.’ I said with a gloomy face.

‘What are they? It would be nice to be the custodian of your wishes but you better be quick because mom would soon be through with her interior designing and come after you.’ She said now focusing on her tab.

‘Where is she going to?’ I said calculating how much more time I might still have to hid in the garage before she leaves the house and still go for my party.

‘We are both going for Mrs. Elliot birthday bash in FESTAC.’ When I heard FESTAC I immediately hoped it won’t be near the party I wanted to attend. I heard witches have this magical crystal ball that can see the location of anyone from any location of the earth and they have this special feeling that tells them when the enemy is near.

‘What time is it?’ I said.

‘You mean you don’t know what time it is? Ask google.’ She said scrolling furiously on the tab.

‘I don’t know the time Hilda. Just pause the game you are playing and look up the time for me’. She looked at me and said ‘When I say you are dumb you won’t believe me. You think you are smart to play planks on people yet you can’t see a simple wall clock in front of you.’

I’m a fool. I agreed with her and looked at the clock. The clock says 35 minutes past 2 0’clock. I still have about three more hours before my party start.

‘Thank you’ I said feeling highly ashamed.

‘Don’t thank me. You better say your wishes now because mom would soon be down here any minute from now.’ She said looking at me more interested than ever in my plight.

I wanted to run away so I replied ‘I should go into hiding now that I know she would soon be down. Prevention is better than cure you know.’ I headed gently for the exit but she called me back.

‘Come back Hardy. Aren’t you a man? Face your plight. If you run you are only escalating the situation the more like you have done all day. Maybe if you say all those promises you made to me earlier’ she laughed and added ‘maybe she would be touched like I was and forgive you.’

I walked back to where Hilda was sitting and sat near her. She has that sheer magic of melting a depression into an impression, a sinner into a believer and a weakling into a bully. Í will fight like a man’ I said.

‘Good but when you mean fight like a man do you mean hitting mom like a man?’ she said. I didn’t want to reply but a look at her facial expression and seeing how she has taken my statement I knew I had to clarify things. Firstly, I can’t fight and Hilda can testify to it. The first and last time I tried to fight in Primary One I got beaten by a small boy then much smaller than I was then and the humiliation I faced taught me fighting with violence isn’t the answer to any conflict.

Lastly if I tried to hit my mom and she tells my dad I would be punished by my dad, he would stop buying expensive things for me and seize all the ones I already have and immediately transfer me to Nigerian Military School in Zaria where I heard the conditions there are quite life threatening. Even though I school at Nigerian Navy Secondary School Abeokuta I know the difference between the two, one is manageable the other is unbearable.

I said ‘I can’t hit mom even if I wished I could but I can further escalate her anger by giving her a tough chase.’

‘Wicked boy just tell me your useless three wishes before I go upstairs and call mom by myself. I’m already tired of waiting for so long’ she said impatiently.

‘The first one is for dad to come to my funeral, the second is for the two witches in this house to not come or face a mansion in hell besides mine and lastly for my casket to be all golden and my body dressed in gold.’ I said dreaming of my ideal burial.

‘No problem with the first two because I and my mom won’t come and dad would come but the last one seems to be with so much problems.’ She said clearly enjoying herself.

I said feigning anger ‘You better ensure my last wish is complied with or else my soul would torment you for life.’

She smiled ‘I don’t think I would have a problem with your soul, a mansion like no other in hell for you and your soul would keep him occupied with burning issues’. She paused, looked at me as if she was expecting me to reply. I hissed and sent a message to her she would be hoping forever if she expected a reply. She smiled again and added ‘Back to the last wish, you see you have been a lazy boy all your life and your main and only occupation is terror. I’m not sure you’ve made enough or even a dime to give yourself a criminal burial not to talk of a luxurious one. Your ATM card will just keep rejecting till the machine gets angry and seizes the card.’

I was about to say something harsh back to her but when I heard the sound of a woman’s high heels on the stairs I kept my calm. I got up startled and wanted to hide myself immediately but in order not to give Hilda another reason to watch this I stood still in fear.

‘Hardy here comes mom’ she said excitedly. She opened her video camera and said ‘It would be interesting watching this one over and over again. I will name it mom vs Hardy.’ I wanted to snatch the tab and smash it to pieces on the floor but that would only make my mom come down faster.

‘Hilda are you ready?’ she called out from the second floor. She must have seen Hilda which means she must have seen me too or has the lamp I stood near blocked her from seeing me?

‘Yes mom I’m ready and so is Hardy’ she said loud enough for my mom to hear even if she was on the third floor. I stood there startled like a frightened hen. Hilda just kept on laughing hysterically, she must be having the most interesting day of her life today.

My mom asked ‘Is Hardy done there?’ She must be increasing her pace, the sound emitting from her high heels was getting louder.

Hilda looked at me and I begged her by nodding my head and kneeling down. She nodded in agreement and said ‘Yes mom he is done here waiting to ask for your forgiveness’. As she said those words I kept fighting myself inside not to run or cry, to square up to her and face it like a brave man would ordinarily do. Hilda touched my shoulders assuring me I could do it, I felt like throwing her hands away and giving her a befitting slap but I was too depressed on the issue at hand.

‘Hardy!!!!’ My mom shouted. She was just a few steps away from reaching the first floor where I was. I’m sure she would be heading my direction. We looked each other eye to eye.

I answered with a weak voice ‘Yes mom.’

She got down from the stairs and walked towards me. ‘Go and wash those your stinking clothes you put inside that bag and clean your room before I get back’ she ordered.

‘Yes mom’ I bowed my head in respect.

‘Look at how dirty you are, you better take a proper bath before I come back and make sure you wash all your clothes. When I come back we will discuss what to do about your growing laxity’ she said and left. I could not believe my luck, I felt I was living a dream, What happened to her martial skills, what happened to her stinging slaps, what happened to her powerful blows, what happened to her favourite quote ‘spare the road and spoil the child’ and what happened to her earlier resolve to deal with me.

I followed her at a distance, I saw her and Hilda entering her BMW and laughing. They drove off Hilda giving me a mischievous look. I watched them leave the compound and had to ensure they had left for good.

I laughed so loudly the armed security guards at the gate must have thought I had lost it. I was so happy I couldn’t even walk back into the house properly. I tripped five times on the way and each time a guard tried to help me up I refused help. The happiness I feel inside could not be compared with all the happiness in the world.

Today had really gotten from bad to worse than all of a sudden to superbly nice. Now I could go for my party and come back without my mom and sister ever knowing where I went to. I would just leave a note according to the original plan and tell them I am going for a vigil in FESTAC. She would call the school immediately and they would give her the Fellowship Leader number who would cover up for me as planned.

‘Well done Hardy, you are good to go.’ I could hear my mind speaking these encouraging words to me as I headed back into the house to clean up and prepare for the day. This party would be the best I have ever attended, I could just feel it.